While chatting with a friend, this question came to mind… “Who Am I?. So I posed it to her and she provided her answer then asked me the same question. My response was simple, “I am a flawed woman learning to love who I am unconditionally.” There is so much truth in that statement that it made me think about it even after the conversation was over. As I meditated on this truth I prayed for understanding. There were so many thoughts that came to mind that I had to write them down. Here are a few: What makes me believe I’m flawed? Does being flawed keep me from becoming who God has called me to be? How do my flaws affect how I see myself? And the last one What does God say about my flaws? Not sure if anyone else has ever felt this way so I figured I’d share my experience.
Oh the stories I could share, but the answer to this question is simple. My thought life was unfocused. There were times in my life when things were not perfect. There were bad times when I made stupid…yes stupid choices that could have cost me my life! There were good times that I sabotaged due to my thoughts. You know the ones where you keep waiting for the bad thing to happen, so you help it along by saying of doing something that makes no sense. Yea, that was me! I allowed my thoughts whether verified or not to determine my actions. This flaw as I understand it kept me in a cycle of thinking that made me feel like I had to move immediately instead of validating each thought. It also made me believe that God was not looking out for me. How could He, if He allowed all this non-sense to continue to cause me pain.
After a failed marriage, driving across the country to get back home to my family, and realizing I was facing a new challenge as a single mother of two I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried out to God to do something, if He loved me as He stated how could He continue to watch me suffer this way. While having my mini breakdown in my apartment, a scripture came to mind, “..I will not leave you or forsake you..”. At the time I did not know what it meant, nor did I know where to find this scripture, but I knew it was God. Like who else says “forsake” in a regular sentence. Anyway, after this moment not much changed…or so I thought. Even though I didn’t see it, the way I viewed my actions begin to change. The things I once found acceptable began to change. How do I know? God seemed to interrupt my life, first I suddenly had an appetite for Him in a way I never did before. He began to invade my thoughts and actions to the point I broke up with my boyfriend. To understand how big this was let me paint you a picture, I was crazy about this guy. Yet as I chased after Him I didn’t want any distractions. So does being flawed keep you from who God has called you to be? Short answer, yes. 1 John 1:5-7, is a reminder that God is light and if we are in fellowship with Him then we also walk in light. But we deceive ourselves if we say we walk with Him and still lie about our sin. Being in relationship with God will illuminate all the things that we usually hide from ourselves and others causing us to see ourselves. It is then our choice to turn away from Him and stay in the darkness (sin) or allow the light to help us see what we need to work on. Just to be clear, yes, God can use anyone at any point in our lives. Truth is until we begin allowing our old ways to no longer be a part of who we are we won’t have access to all God wants to show us.
I can’t lie it has not been easy walking in the light with God. I admit there have been times in my life when I turned back to the darkness because it seemed easier. The LIES!! Turning back caused an inner turmoil that felt worse than the sin. It was like being pulled in two directions while in quicksand, it caused me again to allow my thoughts to run freely. My flaw made me doubt who I was. This state of uncertainty was resolved when I begin to fast and pray from everything that was a distraction. When sin creeps in my life I take a step back to evaluate my thoughts and the current state of my connection with God. When I find I have allowed sin to place a foothold in my life I admit what it is and work to shut the door. God’s thoughts about my flaw is clear in Isaiah 55:7-9, reminding me that what I think is not what He thinks of me, a situation, or the actions of others. Understanding that His thoughts supersede anything I can come up with and is not tainted helps me to trust His thoughts above my own. So when He thinks of me I know it is from a place of love, always!
Who am I? I stand on my response; I am a flawed woman learning to love who I am unconditionally. Everyone has flaws, the Word reminds us that we all have fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), the test is not allowing those flaws to change who God says we are. He says we are His children, that His plans for us are for us to prosper, and that whenever we decide to turn away from sin He will be there with open arms to receive us. The challenge is learning to love yourself the way He does, unconditionally. To see ourselves through His eyes, pushing past the grip of sin, walking alongside Him to accomplish His will. That is who I am! The question on the table now is…Who are you?